autopsy

I've been contemplating a lot the divorce that so often occurs in our culture between the heart and the head. So many times we use our logic to unravel complexities of faith, life, theology. It is so easy in our culture to comfortably analyze and blog and spit out information and Scripture and arguments that don't necessarily transform our lives, relationships or attitudes on any deep or meaningful level. I'm learning more and more (and over and over) that knowledge is not just an intellectual assent to an idea, but a deeply-rooted way of living that proceeds from our inner life. It translates into outward behavior and choices.

Proverbs 2 says:
"My son, if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you,

2 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding,

3 and if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding,

4 and if you look for it as for silver
and search for it as for hidden treasure,

5 then you will understand the fear of the LORD
and find the knowledge of God.

6 For the LORD gives wisdom,
and from his mouth come knowledge and understanding."

I got in a minor car accident last week. I hit my head so I wanted to make sure I didn't have a concussion so I checked myself into the ER. While I was sitting there on the hospital bed, my mind began to wander and I wrote this.

autopsy

hush, now.

we creep along in the dead of night
the moon scowling at our mischief
or perhaps we only imagine
its suspicious disdain

stealthily, secretly
we grasp and pull
your broken body from the tree
carry you deftly
and importantly
away, away
from familiar claws

that we might perform
your autopsy.

she reasons and interprets
with methodical glee
at the moment of your expiration
when you breathed your last
that the confusion and the loss
bellowed deeply from the bowels of hell
as a cry for the scarred and the lost
and the abused
and a rousing wail
against the plastic
and the whitewashed
and the unchanged

i think she's right.

but upon her life
you leave no so much mark
only a philosopher's kiss
hollow and rational
and reasonable
which stales the air
and dwindles passion

silently divorcing
her heart from her head

i watch her
hearken in her own illusion
of you but in part
and never in whole

i see your image
torn asunder
a mass of throbbing, pulsing
flesh and veins and bones
disembodied
in cold calculation

and i find
as i diagnose
her pitiable, blinded state
and mine

that we have quite dissected
the wrong Being.

Scattergories

The best game of Scattergories. Ever.

I love my friends.

Application Approved!

Queensland Tourism approved my application for the Best Job in the World! Yippeeeee!:)

Jeanne and I are coming in a little bit later in the game, but if you want to help either of us win the Island Caretaker job (ooh sounds like we're applying to be Jacob or Pretty Eye Guy of LOST), please click here and watch the video and rate us. The more viewings and higher ratings, the more we're likely to attract attention and votes.

Thanks for taking the time to rate us!:)

Jeanne and Mel's Island Reef Job application

My dear friend Jeanne and I are applying for The Best Job in the World, hosted by Queensland Tourism in Australia. We are joining 30,000+ people from all over the world who are also applying for this job.

The job? To live in a 3 bedroom house on an island in the Great Barrier Reef. Explore the island, snorkel, swim, hang out on the beach, go hiking. And write and video blog about it.

Oh, and a nice pay check of $100,000.

I know.

This is a long shot, I know since the chances of us beating out other 30,000 people are slim, but seriously, Jeanne and I are already traveling to Australia, leaving in March 2009. The job is slated to last from July-December 2009, about the time we were thinking of moving to Byron Bay or Gold Coast or some other lovely coastal city and finding jobs waiting tables, bartending, or fruit picking with migrant workers. Or sheepherding.

No, really.

This Island Reef job is really a public relations tool to help boost the tourist industry in Australia, which, like the rest of us living in this poor world, is caught up in worldwide recession.

Jeanne and I have been planning this 3-6 month (possibly up to a year!) trip to Australia since August, so we are basically the poster child for Australian tourism. Currently, we are planning to start off in Sydney next month, head to Darwin and Ayers' Rock, then fly back to the southern coast (dip down to Tasmania for a bit) and work our way up the eastern coast, with Cairns and the Great Barrier Reef as our final destinations.

I remember telling Jeanne back when we first heard about this job that when we applied with the video, that all we had to do was just be ourselves. And treat the Australian Tourism Industry like it was some cute guy that we are trying to pick up. Haha;)

There are lots of marine biologists, Xtreme sports people, dolphin trainers, tour guides, etc. applying for this job who probably have a lot more experience than we do. But, I really hope that the fact that we are traveling there anyway to just soak up life and enjoy the beauty and culture of Australia (and actually quit our 9-5 jobs in order to do so!) will speak volumes to them.

Even if we don't get this job, we will be video blogging and writing about our adventures the whole way.

And we will also be looking for our personal "Drovah":



(see: Hugh Jackman in Baz Luhrmann's film "Australia" for further reference).

Anyway, so here is the video. Hope you enjoy. And I will post the link to the website as soon as I receive approval so you guys can start voting for/rating our video!

Cheers!

-Mel

Things I've Lost

Inspired by Jeanne's recent post.

-a $1,250 savings bond which I received as prize for winning an essay contest in 9th grade. I don't remember what the essay was about but I should have put that puppy in a safety deposit box. I don't know where it is now and it would sure come in handy for my upcoming Oz trip...
-too many goldfish. I lost my first two pets (Bubbles and Blackie) to disease and grief. Blackie died because he was sick and Bubbles died of a lonely heart, I'm pretty convinced. They were soulmates. I think.
-Two grandparents that I never really knew. My mom's mother died when I was 6, and I only have two distinct memories of her. One of them involves her making me a peanut butter/honey sandwich. I wonder if that's why I like them so much now. I never met my grandfather and I wish I had, but he died in the Philippines before I could meet him. My mom tells me that my personality is a lot like his so that intrigues me even more. I know you should feel like you had something to begin with in order to lost it, but I feel the loss nonetheless.
-My favorite silver butterfly necklace somewhere in Tucson, Arizona. I think this happened around 9th or 10th grade. We were staying at a resort in Tucson and that was the last time I ever saw that necklace. Gosh, I loved that thing.
-I think i've also lost self-consciousness or at least a significant part of it. I used to care in the extreme about what people thought about me and was bothered by this, probably more than a normal person. I still get offended every now and then if I think someone's perception is out of whack, but generally I really don't think twice about it. I am who I am and I'm pretty comfortable with that.
-my favorite treehouse. (my only treehouse). my dad helped me build this in the central maple tree in our backyard in New Jersey. I also had a rope swing. Many, many hours spent dreaming up in a canopy of trees.
-Innocence, yes. I have cynical bouts still. A constant battle. But I feel like I've rebounded from a 2-3 lapse into extreme cynicism and now I strive to move forward in hope. This battle is dynamic, and always changing on me. But it keeps me on my toes and for that I am grateful.
-many good memories of college. I blame this on the fact that I didn't have a digital camera until my last year in college, and even then I only used it sporadically. Sometimes I look back at college and only see a blur of classes, activities, practicing piano and some routine or schedule that I think I had. I feel like so many amazing, fun, random wonderful things happened with many amazing, fun, random wonderful people, but I don't remember half of it. Mostly because I don't see many of these people anymore and there's no chance for reminiscing...
-my ability to remember things without writing them down/recording them somehow--I think this is why I recently I've taken to taking photographs, writing journal entries, recording video blogs, making quote lists. I used to have a superb memory, but I think it's deteriorated into nothingness.
-my ability to sit still in solitude and enjoy life without needing to check email or facebook or my phone for texts or update my twitter to let the whole flippin' world know what I'm doing. I'm looking forward to Australia to be a break from all the constant communication and just BE.
-a deep friendship that was super important to me. People fade in and our of your lives for reasons and in seasons and that's to be expected, but this particular friendship should not have dwindled to its current form. Lately I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I doubt you'll read this but if you do... We've both changed exponentially and I am still holding out hope that we can find each other again in our new selves.
-my friend Chris to a deadly car accident my sophomore year of college. We were great friends freshman year, and he was a constant companion. He faded out of my life sophomore year and I wish he hadn't and I wish I had been a better friend to him that second year. Rest in Peace, Smalls. You are still missed and loved.
-several bets to Jeanne, where I end up owing her dinner or money in some form. However Walter and Carolina have inspired me to be a bit more creative in coming up with stakes for our bet-making. So I'm working on that;)
-the 8th grade spelling bee at Rock Lake Middle School. I came in stinkin' first runner up. Because I couldn't spell diphthong. Still don't even know if I spelled that right just now.
-my ability to be sensitive and emotional to most people: translated into wanting to cater to people. I used to be a super oversensitive person and used to overcompensate for that. I still think I'm fairly empathetic, but generally I've swung the opposite way and become a bit more logical in the way I approach emotions and people.


What have you lost?

LOST, Mel's back from the dead, etc.

Hello bloggers.

For those of you who have been faithful reading this blog since its inception in 2006, I want to congratulate you for making it this far, having stuck by me through all of my crazy phases (musical theater, movie reviews, Dexter, Firefly, travel-blogging, and all other randomness that the title of this blog encompasses). My most recent phase has been dipping into the realm of short stories and poetry, due to the wonderful forum of backlight.org.

However, I fear some of you may have assumed that I have lost my regular Melissa blogging voice, amid fantastical tales of sculptures, pagodas, dragonflies and the like. Never fear, I still exist. I and my voice.

In honor of the recent return to Lost, I wanted to revist some of the questions I had the season finale of Season 4 in my previous blog entry here, as well as perhaps address some new questions which have arisen since Season 5 commenced exactly a week ago.

My former Season 4 questions:

Is Claire dead?
I still stand by the theory that Claire died in the cabin explosion, which explains why she was hanging out with creepy Jack's Dad in Jacob's shack. Her enigmatic stare and her obvious lack of concern for mothering Aaron leads me to believe that Claire is actually dead and whatever we see of Claire is just one of those crazy corporealization things that the Island tends to do, materializing people that are actually dead.

Where did the Island go?
Now we know that the Island (or at least the people on it) are now skipping through time. Trippiness to the max.

Is Jeremy Bentham really John Locke?
Yes, I was skeptical at first, but now I realize that the Oceanic 6 (and maybe John Locke himself?) coined the term Jeremy Bentham as a reference for Locke to use off the island, to maintain the lie that everyone on Oceanic 815 died in the original plain crash. I think now the real question is not whether or not Jeremy Bentham is John Locke, but how dying (and apparently cryogenically freezing himself in a butchery?) will save the Island and the people living on it. Hmm...

By becoming the Head Honcho Other, will Locke now become evil and manipulative like Ben?
I don't know if there is anymore validity to this theory. There DOES seem to be two dueling of destinies going on. One, between Locke and Ben, living parallel lives leading up to their appointment as leader of the Others. The other dueling of destinies is between Ben and Widmore, which i will get to in a minute...

Why didn’t Locke just strap that heart monitor to his own arm? (Jin might still be alive:()
Moot point. He didn't know that the heart monitor had anything to do with the bomb. Sad for Jin.

How the heck has Richard Alpert not aged?
I am more and more intrigued by Richard Alpert (or Pretty Eye Guy as Jeanne's sister calls him). He doesn't seem to age and he apparently has had a long-standing position of authority among the Others for decades. I want to know where he came from and why he doesn't age. My question from before as to whether or not Richard himself time traveled (due to his uncanny interest in John Locke from birth) was decisively settled in tonight's episode.

Is Sun trying to wreak revenge on Ben, her dad or Widmore? Or all three?
Hmm I'm a little fuzzy on what happened last week, but she seems to be trying to play all three of these suckers. No offense, Sun, but I think you're biting off more than you can chew at this point. Interesting to see how this corporate battle plays out. Sun is going to be a key player in the Ben vs. Widmore conflict, I'm wagering.

Will Jack find redemption? (and finally shed that Grizzly Jack beard?)
I believe he will find redemption. And he saved off that God-awful Mountain Man grizzly beard, so that was a relief. I think I cheered when he did that in last week's episode.

How will Jack get everybody to go back to the island?
Funny how the more intriguing question now is how will LOCKE get everybody to go back to the Island. I've wavered in my interest in Locke throughout the seasons. He's been kind of a percolating, slow burn kind of character, but this season, the writers are really letting it rip as far as John Locke is concerned.

Was Charlotte born on the island?
I THINK this was answered. Actually, right now, I'm a bit more concerned as to why she is the only one whose health seems to be adversely affected by the rigors of time travel (and possibly radiation from the hydrogen bomb?) I think her inability to cope with time travel has something to do with the fact that she has earlier childhood ties to the island.

Is Sayid Jack Bauer incarnate? (those were some wicked, flippy leg mano a mano moves)
I think he is. And if you disagree, check out the nasty butcher knife in the dishwashing machine action from last week.

How has that time-traveling twist really been at work during the past four seasons, unbeknownst to us?
I think this will begin to unravel. Now we know that a time-traveling Locke influenced Richard Alpert to seek him out as a sort of chosen-one for the island.

How exactly did Ben go from his little ice cave to the middle of the Tunisian desert?
Time travel/teleportation. Now we know. When and where in Lost is completely relative.

How can Desmond really expect not to be found by Charles Widmore?
Again, moot point. He strode into Widmore's office with confidence and resolve (not to mention a wicked awesome coat and scarf), sooooo different from the deferential, insecure Desmond of several years ago. I love how much Desmond has changed. And they named their kid CHARLIE. Ah, I miss Charlie Pace.

What are the whispers!??!?
I really think this has something to do with the time traveling aspect of the show. Past, present and future colliding will allow for some crossing of communication lines on the Island.

How does Ben control the Smoke Monster? Will Locke have the same power? What IS the Smoke Monster?
Talking with Jeanne and Alecia tonight, i realized that I am more interested in the duality playing out between Widmore, and the Smoke Monster is one of the ways this is working out. If Widmore truly is the one funding the Dharma Initiative, it seems to be this epic battle for the soul of the Island between Ben and Widmore. Widmore builds a security fence to keep out the Smoke Monster, an apparently effective device. Ben summons the Smoke Monster to kill Widmore's men in retaliation for killing his daughter. I don'tk now if we'll ever figure out exactly what the Smoke Monster is.

But ESPECIALLY now that we know that a young Charles Widmore was originally one of the Others, this demonstrates even more how obsessive and invested Widmore truly is in the island. He apparently lived and knew the Island inside out as a young man. However, assuming he eventually funds and directs the Dharma Initiative, it will be interesting to see how and why this war between the Hostiles/Others and the Dharma Initiative people played out.

Who is Jacob?
I really am beginning to at least consider more and more that Jacob has something to do with John Locke. Perhaps Locke IS Jacob. I don't know. But now that we know this entire season is dedicated to Locke skipping through time and influencing the past and trying to get the Oceanic 6 back to the Island, it's entirely possible that he influenced Jacob in some way.

And Widmore possibly has no regard or respect for Jacob (as is evidenced by his suspicion and dismissal of Locke's claim to know Jacob), although I'm not quite sure what that means.

Will Sawyer and Juliet hook up (eww… please no)?
They still might. But actually Juliet has grown on me now. She can apparently expertly handle a firearm, AND she can speak a dead language and keeps proving over and over what a valuable, smart, resourceful team player she is. I know she wants to get back to her sister and nephew, but, wow. She kind of looks like she belongs there on the Island. And if the writers play this right, a Sawyer/Juliet thing may actually work. But he's still smitten with Kate clearly, so that ain't happening anytime soon..

I am continually amazed at this show.

Other random thoughts....

-Faraday's mom MUST be Eloise Hawkings a.k.a. Creepy White Haired Lady from the jewelry shop.
-Penny's got a huge target sign on her back. I hope she survives. For Desmond's sake.
-I want to know why Aaron is so important to the island. First, the psychic tells us he must "not be raised by another." But now, the Claire vision (assuming the Island conjured this vision) told Kate not to take Aaron back to the island. Kate's raising him (she's the "another" in question now) and that apparently is against the Island's design or wishes.
-Are we rooting for Ben or Widmore? Or neither?

So many questions.

If you all have any theories to contribute, please share:)

weather report

lately
moments seem sweeter
colors, sharper and more vivid
laughter, more heady and pure
and Time,
far more precious

like rare drops of rain
falling soft and pure
upon the lonely, cracked earth
my thirsty soul revels
in the deluge
and i am
drenched in love
in song
in art
in complete and utter
JOY.

these tiny treasures
spill and splash upon my face
soaking, enthralling my spirit

rejuvenation.

quick, love
let me dance
let me drown
before they dissipate
only to return to the sky
as a mere mist
a vapor

a beautiful, immaterial dream.

i'm confident they shall return to me again
whether in a flood
a summer storm
or morning mist

though whether here or there
or when
i cannot say

but until then
i tilt my cup toward the resplendent sky

and pray for rain.